Intense afternoon
If it's really as serious I might be on dialysis within a few months.
Dialysis is not very well tolerated by my heart, so I will deteriorate fast.
And when it happens there's no escape this time.
It makes me feel sad and a bit depressed.
I've cared for other people all my life. Worked hard to change things for the better in all sorts of areas: political, medical, educational, etc etc..
I'd expected this time would be a time for me, an opportunity to travel, have fun, to live life to the fullest and move to a little house near the sea, or even move to little house in the UK.
Instead I have to juggle with money and can't even go to town here or get groceries across the border.
It's so sad.
Today a friend fetched me to drink a cuppa in town in his favorite coffee bar.
It was a nice little shop, right near the HQ of the paper I used to run, so I even enjoyed the ride, seeing all those well known places.
The coffee was great.
We talked a lot about the problems we're facing. He's got serious heart problems too.
Gave each other advice.
Telling out loud, what I'm facing, makes it even more real than it has been the past days.
I'm feeling a strong inner feel of wanting to speed my life up, as if I don't have enough time.
At home I want to clean and tidy things, like I want to make the house prepared to be without me.
And I'm starting to feel tired, tired of fighting too.
At the same time I want things to go on the way they are.
So I've accepted an invitation for public speaking for family physicians and one for heart patients at the same day at some kind of information day at a hospital.
It's strange to experience all those extremes of feelings.
For the second time in my life I was asked if I ever find some rest.
The first time was long ago, when a dear friend asked where I had my inner home, by whom I could find it. I didn't have an answer.
Now I had an answer: I find it when I walk near the sea (that's why I want to live there) and I find it with my friend in Belgium.
But when I was at home, alone again, I realized that it's not only about finding rest. When it's about resting my head on another shoulder... there is none.
That's even more reason to move to sea....
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