Happy New Year, happy 2018!!!

12/31/2017 Syl 0 Comments

So that was 2017.

Pfff, what a year it was!

The year without a husband in the house after 36 years of marriage, including 20 years of being the hotelkeeper, if you understand what I mean.
The year sharing a very tiny pension with 4 people.
I got in contact with my university friend again, and we won't loose contact ever again. Got in contact with another one and didn't even hear a thank you after sending a photo of two middle aged men enjoying a beer. Well, we had a nice day visiting. Some nice memories, and the impression that some people never change.

Offline and online some friendships developed into great caring relationships, which prevented evenings of loneliness and enriched my life. The feeling of gratitude for being surrounded by such lovely people is very intense.

I survived another calendar year.
Left the second cardiologist, not knowing how my heart was doing. Asked for the new one, but didn't get a reply in three weeks, so that's one more issue to deal with in the new year.
But I've met my new cardiologist of the other hospital, so in due time I'll go to him.
Also went to nephrology when my kidneyfunction dipped to just above dialysis level and doctors were panicking. Saw two nice assistants which were socially very capable, but still have to learn that a risk factor isn't a cause without any evidence. So next year I'll see the nephrologist herself and we'll be talking about this.
I think tht my heartfailure undermined my kidneys, as the 1st cardiologist told me might happen, and the heartmedication ruined any chance of improvement and ignorance by the 2nd cardiologist lead to deterioration. He even withheld my kidney diagnosis. I was also told the dip was caused by inflammation. Well, at the time I had a kidney echo and it showed no inflammation. Nor did the bloodwork or anything else.
We had double time making the echo, it was a teaching session, so if there had been inflammation we would have seen it.
Often I like my medical background, but sometimes it's a curse. We'll see what the nephrologist says to me. I can always go to the other hospital.
Anyway, my kidneyfunction is deteriorating in a straight line down with dips.
I've decided not to want a life kidney donor, too much of a risk for the donor.

Found no paid job this year, but did a lot of work for the heart organisation.

  • Giving information and talks in hospital
  • Public speaking about the female heart, including TV interview
  • Organising events
  • Telephone service, which was a problem as I don't have the money to pay for a proper app-phone and -service.
  • Representing the heart organisation and the university hospital
  • Representing patients and watching of and advising in care-decisions at university and regional boards
  • Working for the regional magazine
  • Teaching at university
  • Giving workshops to last chance students, which touched my heart and made me feel so at home that I immediately made a job application. Alas, they're dealing with cutbacks and maybe even closure.

It was such a lot of work, that some weeks I felt like being in a fulltime job. But I also was able to see what I like and where my talents can lead me. Using what I've learned during life was a pleasure too.
Wouldn't it be great to use it for a paid job?

I've also faced quite some decisions.
The main one is that I don't want my husband to come home again.
I don't have a choice however. As long as I don't have a job, I have no money, and I can't move out.
With 2 kids who need financial assistance there is no choice.
Halfway this year he'll be here again. I even have to buy a new place for him to sit, as I changed the old large couch into a nice ikea thingy that is OK for us, but not for his weight.
I don't want someone here anymore who just uses my work and attention, and has nothing nice or fun or kind to deliver. Just irritation and stress.
So I'm waiting for the prince on the white horse to lift me out of my simple house and carry me to his castle as his queen (not as his housekeeper, that's another fairytale), compensating for the fact that I never ever sat on a horse. (Yes, there's a silver lining in everything.)
So any scotsman is welcome to beg for my hand. I play the bagpipes. A welshman is OK too, as I love the glowing hills and the accent, but I fear I've forgotten the few lines of Welsh which were taught to me in the past.

Yes, I belong more in an english speaking country. It's the language of my thoughts and the yearning that my visits to his WW2 family and friends brought me. I don't belong here.
I belong to the hills and the coast. The Outer Hebrides will be perfect.
But maybe I'll end up with a friend in Norway, embroidering a national costume for myself, walking the dog through the snowy woods, sheltered in a warm coat, with a sniffing red nose.

Oh I know, it's not about the place where you live, but how you live in yourself.
But when my kind neighbours moved the sounds of the others became worse, the neighbourhood is not as good anymore, the trees in the garden are outgrowing me and I can't afford to have them cut and removed, and I need, yes, need to be in nature.
I've done my bit in life, in the lives of others and although I intent to go on to be an inspiration for others, I also want to be a lot more 'me'.
I often remember how I felt when standing beside the Welsh castle in the grass, high above the ocean on the rocks. The wind blowing through my hair, and yet I had the feeling I was wearing a wide cape with a huge hood. My dad and his RAF friend later told me they had the same feeling, like they went back in time and saw me in a different light.

Well, sliding into 2018 has nothing to do with time travel.
It just happens and we can't resist it.

All I know is that it doesn't help to worry. But I do, money, job, leading my own life.
And I know that my health will go on deteriorating, an I will fight it. But I'm not afraid of dying anymore.
Don't worry, I'm not planning it yet. I want to realise a few dreams, even the impossible dreams.
I still have the feeling something brilliant is waiting for me, so I keep looking for opportunities, doors and a better life.

So all I want from 2018 is a job, preferably in the UK, and I don't mind if I'll be a reporter, journalist, psychologist or university lecturer, or maybe someone behind the counter of a small shop in a small community of island people.
It's that small white house with that loyal dog which keeps in my mind. The walks on the beach with the everlasting sounds.

May 2018 hold a symbol of wellbeing for you too.

Happy New Year!!!!



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