So I try

7/29/2017 Syl's bucketlist 0 Comments



Today I started to feel better.
I'm sure it was due to all the well wishes ( ;)).

My head was not as clouded and my muscles could deal with movement longer and with less pain and tiredness.

I think the shock of being at stage 4 already and the realization that I have to choose for dialysis or refusing dialysis, and that it all means that when things won't improve I'm going to die sooner than later is fading.

Refusing treatment is not an option.
Dialysis at home is not an option. Not enough room for the machine and not enough room for the materials.
So the choice is no choice: hemodialysis at the hospital. My hospital provides the option for the night too. So that's good.

And that I feel a bit better helps too. It means things can improve.
Maybe I need to fight a lot less at the moment.

I'm not afraid to die, it's the road... that bothers me. It's that everything is about money and not about care...that bothers me.
And it bothers me that I'm alone.. no shoulder. Oh, I can do it alone. I know that.

But walking.... balancing...the thin line between being OK and depression... keeping watch I don't drop to the wrong side. Depression, self pity, they're so undermining. I can't let them happen to me.
It's a constant battle.

I love to be alone and do my things, but when I'm alone I feel lonely.
It's for a part because I don't feel happy in this house anymore.
And the spirit of: 'I'm going to survive that overall heart prognosis' is challenged a bit too much by the renal diagnosis. And by thee fact that I can sit on the couch and have great plans to clean and tidy and change things and when I stand up I'm so horribly tired.

With everything that needs to be done around me, and only me to do it, it's a vicious circle that needs to be broken.
So I try to do at least 1 thing each day, even if it's only the dishes.
But it doesn't tidy the house...
and it doesn't ease my mind.


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