Showing posts with label wishlist. Show all posts

Home again?





Home again....that's how it felt... home again.
Back in London for a few hours.

A decision to go was made a few days before.
I thought it was just a joke, but it was true.

We tried to find a place to sleep, a place to park, and that was it.
I packed a bag, which meant I took a large bag and had almost nothing in it, decided not to bother about anything, and just go.

I didn't have the time for proper preparations, just got the address and phone number of a friend, in case we would have the time to visit her, and that was it.
We went there with a tight schedule of the check in for the boat, and the event in London, nothing more.

We, my para-son and I. And when the room we could get was for three, we asked who had the time to go with us, so my dance daughter jumped in. (With far less luggage than she carries with her on a daily basis. LOL!) Such a pity her twin sister needed to be at her job.

We left in the middle of the night.
I couldn't sleep at all.
Just left like I was going away for some shopping....

But I was going back... after 50 years.... going back.
Would I have the same feelings about the place?
I hate Rotterdam, I'm OK with Amsterdam, feel a stranger in Paris.
Would I feel at home again in London?

I went there with dad. Roamed the streets for hours on end. Visiting lots.
We even stood in line for the Crown Jewels (but not long) and I had some very strange experiences of knowing my way around the old neighbourhoods outside the center without ever being there, and we didn't have Google Street then.

But first we had to get there.
In the old dodgy car...



A lot and a wishlist...




Today I went on changing the livingroom.
During about 15 years a lot has been collected under the table. Magazines, little things.
So I moved at all aside, put the old table away and exchanged it for two cheap black tables I bought a few years ago.
It looks great!
...when you don't look at the mess I have to sort and put away. LOL!

In the meantime I thought about my birthday (it's saturday).
I don't feel like receiving visitors.
One of my friends already gave me beautiful tulips and a vase, and someone else doesn't really care . I'm her friend when she needs me. It's sad to say, but oh so true.

And the only person who genuinely cares lives in another town and just has lost her sister.

So I'd better go to the place where I want to be: the sea.
A good thought, until I saw the prize for a ticket.
Now with the tree-problem...

It's all about money, isn't it?
Rotten computer, flat mattress, no bicycle, worn out flooring.
There's so much what needs to be done.
The drawer in the kitchen needs to be fixed... tiling in the bathroom needs someone who wants to invest time and sweat.

I'm soo tired....

All I want is a car stopping in front of the house, I hop in with some sandwiches and my bag and there is no need to think about problems and money for one day.
Just some fish at a special place near the beach, some shopping, even though my favorite shop is not open, and a coffee before going on the beach again.

Oh yes, I had a 'small' list of wishes, most of which are far too expensive.

- WW2 British uniform, air force, or ATS with trousers. (for re-enactment)
- Honeysuckle/ kamperfoelie
- small tattoo on wrist... a lotus flower
- a complete make-over
- eyelift
- a job
- somewhere else to live
- a dog
- a good photo camera
- a trip to the northpole
- a parachute jump
- flight in a Lancaster
- flight in s Spitfire
- and someone to grow old with in a kind and caring way.

A girl needs to have some wishes, doesn't she?

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47. DVD of the BBC-series: Great Rift: Africa's Wild Heart





I'm very impressed by the BBC series: Great Rift: Africa's Wild Heart
I love every moment of it.
The way nature is filmed is amazing. The effort the crew took to give us an insight in animal behaviour was huge. But it certainly paid off.
It's one of the few series that keeps me focused from the first second to the last. And makes me dream long after the episodes have finished.

The series is narrated by Hugh Quarshie, one of my favorite players of Holby City.
His voice calms me, and draws me in the film even more.

I think I can see this series over and over again, seeing each time new things, and never ever be bored.

So I think it's wise to have a DVD, so I can watch it when I'm in the hospital or very ill at home.

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46. Each time they sound a smile of a friend enters my heart.



Yesterday I was talking with one of my daughters about the new friends online that are such a huge support, just as my offline friends.

Some offered to go with me to hospital appointments, which is very kind.
Right now I don't need a person to go with me to talk to the doc, because going by myself makes me more focused and more critical.

But I don't know what I need in the near future.

I said: 'Sometimes internet is not as good as writing letters, otherwise I could put their letters of support in my bag'.

Don't know what happened, but suddenly I had to think about my charm-bracelet.
I always took it with me when I had to sing solo with the choir. I had a wonderful voice, but I was always third in line because two other girls were far more confident.

Maybe it's a good idea to start a new charm bracelet.
Charms need not to be expensive. I already have a bracelet to put them on.
And each time they sound a smile of a friend enters my heart.

What do you think?



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45. Recite: 'We will remember them.'



Because this area was the front during WW2 we're got quite a few war cemetries in and around the city.

Several times a year special services are held, with veterans attending and sometimes I represent the parachute group of my son or I'm there as a photographer.

There's always one moment that is very emotional, because it entails a promise to my gram. I told her I would always remember those who gave their lives for our peace.

So I would love to recite the well-known passage of the poem by Robert Laurence Binyon (1869-1943), published in The Times newspaper on 21st September 1914.



For the Fallen


With proud thanksgiving, a mother for her children,
England mourns for her dead across the sea.
Flesh of her flesh they were, spirit of her spirit,
Fallen in the cause of the free.

Solemn the drums thrill: Death august and royal
Sings sorrow up into immortal spheres.
There is music in the midst of desolation
And a glory that shines upon our tears.

They went with songs to the battle, they were young,
Straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,
They fell with their faces to the foe.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

They mingle not with their laughing comrades again;
They sit no more at familiar tables of home;
They have no lot in our labour of the day-time;
They sleep beyond England's foam.

But where our desires are and our hopes profound,
Felt as a well-spring that is hidden from sight,
To the innermost heart of their own land they are known
As the stars are known to the Night;

As the stars that shall be bright when we are dust,
Moving in marches upon the heavenly plain,
As the stars that are starry in the time of our darkness,
To the end, to the end, they remain.


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44. Army psychologist/pastoral carer



I'm a R.A.F. daughter.

My father didn't tell much about the war, ever.

But his army chaplain trusted me with many experiences, because we shared our vow of silence.
Before he died he needed experiences to be shared, stories to be told.

It has changed me enormously.
I'm still anti-war, but I'm not anti soldier.
In fact, one of my deepest wishes is to become an army psychologist and pastoral carer.
I applied several times, but they considered me too old... whereas I knew there were women of my age working there.
It has hurt me. As if holding a gun and shooting exercises are the only ways to become a good carer.

I for myself know that our family history of the resistance, and all the hours with the army chaplain have given me a better insight, than I can ever gain with added education (I'm a fully trained and experienced psychologist) and physical training.

A few years ago I was talking with Tony Iveson, who looked during his last years so very much like my gram and father. He could have been my dad's brother.
We were talking about the guilt, that is, he was talking about it, and I was listening.
My reaction made him thank me with tears in his eyes.

He said to persist in applying for the job, because I really have to offer a lot. And in case I wanted to work for the RAF, I could contact him, so he could give me a letter to add to the application.

When Tony died I stopped trying.

More than ever I can do the job, work for and with those people who stand up for peace with their own life.
It's loss of talent....

Thank you Tony and Richard for trusting me with your deep inner thoughts and for seeing me and valuing me. I'll never forget you.

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43. Went to the 4-Days Marches



The main event in our city, Nijmegen, is a special event called: The 4-Days Marches.

The festivities around it start the Saturday before.
It's a huge festival with open air concerts, music everywhere in the center in town, and a lot more.

And Tuesday early in the morning, the marches start. All 4 days people walk the same age-related distance of 30, 40 or 50 km, the routes are different each day.

On Friday the last part is walked on a long straight road, which is only called that day: Via Gladiola.
Because the flower of the marches is the Gladiolus.

The sides of the long road are crowded by people who sit there almost all day, cheering and applauding.
It's very special. The walkers, who are very tired, are motivated to walk that last part in a victorious way, even though their feet hurt like hell and their knees feel like they will never be able to bend. Without the public many would not have reached the finish.

As a small girl I accompanied my dad, who was a member of a care team of the National Post Office. I loved it.
As soon as I could I would help the care team. First by handing out towels, later by handing out tea. The older I got, the more responsible tasks I got, until a friend of my parents told everyone I had to care for his blisters. I had seen it so often, and he offered himself to be the first person I would care for. I did well, and was accepted in the care team.
Worked there for years, alongside my dad.

Later, when the careteam was ready at friday afternoon and a few years later when it didn't exist anymore, I joined the crowds at the side of the road and enjoyed the festivities.
I loved it.

I wanted to go this year so badly, especially as my kidney function is deteriorating so rapidly that I might be on dialysis next year.
On Thursday I didn't expect to go and felt really sad. My son has had my car all week because his scooter was in repair, but it was like he had forgotten my existence.
Without informing me one of my daughters called him and arranged that he'd take us with him when he went there. (He's photographer for the local paper.)

So early in the morning we went there, sat down and waited for the walkers.
Beside us were very funny people. I vaguely recognized the woman, and the sun was at the other side of the road, so for the first time that week we shivered. Which was nice. LOL!

In the air there was interesting traffic. A Boeing CH-47 Chinook seemed to land on the small airstrip nearby, but it didn't. It flew low above the Via Gladiola, returned, flew even lower when it approached the military terrain where my son was working, saluted the soldiers and went away.
Not much later I saw an airplane nearing. It flew very low, which was kind of frightening, as we have and airport just across the border nearby, and it looked like it couldn't keep it's height. It flew straight towards us, then turned to it's right, and flew in a curve very low, flew a circle, even lower, but it didn't salute above the military terrain. Perhaps the pilot couldn't wave the wing, it was there to observe or for any other reason. One way or another it was very impressive.

For hours on end we watched people pass by.
Some I recognized from years ago, and most recognized me back. Greeting me with a smile and a wave. A few came for a high five, to shake my hands, or said a few kind words. And one even came to bow for me, which made me remember a joke between us from 30 years ago!
And one who looks a lot like my father came to me for small talk, to show he's using a mobile phone with apps.
Some I know will be there again next year, some I saw for the last time.....

In the meantime the sun had reached us and it got very hot.
We used sunmilk factor 50, but we've got a terrible sunburn.

In the past I've been a photographer at the Marches, and this time I couldn't stop myself. I took hundreds of photographs from the bands that played between the walkers.

I'll put a selection of them on a seperate blog in due time, together with the photo's my daughter took.

I'm very happy I went.
Even though I have a terrible sunburn and my hands ache very much.
I've seen so many familiar faces. The fact they recognized me...

I hope to be able to go next year, again....

42. Study ethics



I would love to have the opportunity to study ethics.

It has been of the main subject in my life.

When I was young, my uncles loved to discuss ethical matters like war, resistance. We sat for hours discussing things, while my gram gave us coffee, tea, lemonade and her home baked cookies.
Often she would sit with me later in the week, reviewing the discussion, giving advice.

At university I often found myself discussion matters with my fellow students and professors.

It was in a time that feminists were looking for opportunities to confront the male population with their needs. But they forgot that motherhood was one of the important aspects of being a female. So there were not many females at the department of obstetrics and gynecology taking part in discussions there.

In the meantime I was a psychologist and a mom. My second baby died, probably due to ignored rhesus antagonism.

The hospital was an old-fashioned catholic hospital, under the strong watching eye of the vatican.
The feminists were pushing their views on the male part of the population, wanted to be boss in their own belly. The Netherlands was one of the most free thinking nations of the world.
But the subject of spontaneous and provoked abortion was a dangerous one in the hospital. Often women were referred to other hospitals and it was in the interest of the hospital, not of the women.

One day I forgot that the professor of obstetrics didn't like opposition at all.
We were discussing the subject of referral when the professor joined in. Suddenly it was very quiet and I saw it as an opportunity to state my case. And when he told me he didn't agree with me, I just treated him as a fellow student, so I gave my statements, expecting him to go against it.
By that time I realized my mistake and I thought he would throw me out of the department, as he had done so often before with students and alumni he didn't like.
To our huge surprise he said 'Thank you, I will think about this', and went away.

The next day I was called for.
He asked me to become a member of the ethical commission of the department.
I refused, for several reasons. One of them was that I was a mom and wanted to be in control of family time.

Ethics has since had my attention even more, and it has led to the start of the movement of ethical journalism, which centers around ethical ways of publishing...and non-publishing.

I would love to be able to give my ethical views in a more professional setting.

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41. A shared holiday house.



My dream to have a small house  near the sea won't come true.
I don't have the money, as simple as that.
Buying one is out of the question, and renting one is impossible. It's more expensive that the normal house we live in now.

But I wondered if it would be possible to share a house with friends.

The idea started in my mind when I saw a photo of a friend and his wife celebrating yet another vacation at sea.
One of the children saw the photo and said that she wanted to go to sea the next week.

Two months ago I've been at sea with another friend, and all I can say is that I want to stay there....always.

And suddenly the idea was born: why not share a holiday house?

One of them can buy the house as an investment. I can live there, and when they want to spend a week there I can visit one or more of the children. That way the house is always cared for and always used. I can pay rent, and when others use it as a friend's bed and breakfast their money goes to the owner too.

Or we start a foundation that buys the house.
I think we'll find a way to run the hole business.

When we buy a small house, we can buy a house outside the touristic area, which means it can be occupied all year.

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40. Be a cliniclown



Not many people know, but I would love to be a cliniclown.

A cliniclown is a lovely, funny, cheerfully dressed person who visits ill children and sometimes grown ups in hospital or old people's home.

I know it isn't easy, but I've always thought I could do it.

The first time I experienced a cliniclown myself was when a few of them visited the children's ward when I was there.
My son was in surgery and I was waiting for him.The surgery lasted far longer than expected.

Suddenly they were there, paying attention to the children, making them laugh, making them sing.
Then one of them turned to me. I never had expected I would be part of it all too. My mind was with my son, even though I was moved by the way one of the female clowns was dealing with a toddler.

All the children received a bear and then I got one too. I have to say, they gave me one for my son and one for me. To care for my heart, the clown gestured.
I vaguely recognized him, but it's 20 years ago and I still don't know who that clown was.
But importance of the feeling of being cared for, of getting some undivided attention during such a stressful time, has never left me. (Nor has the bear. :) )

It would be a privilege to visit wards with the team cliniclowns.
Or create my own team.

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39. A caregiver's house



The past years the care for people has moved from professionals to family, or better said; from educated and paid, to uneducated and non-paid.

The influence on me and my family is tremendous.

The oldest went from living in a house with professional care (office within the house), to living in his own apartment without any care at all.

The second son was living in his own apartment, rented from a care-organisation, with 24 hours service from professional caretakers, who had their office in the apartment building.
He suddenly was moved in the administration of a formal renting organisation, and the care was stopped completely. (The young women kept contact for a year, but it was their own initiative.)

My classic autistic son was moved from 24/7 fulltime care in the house with semi-therapeutic care, to his own apartment in the building of the organisation where the professional caretakers have their office and see him a few times a week. Financial care stopped completely so he's terribly in debt.

And I was supposed to get help in the house after I returned from hospital with severe heart failure, and got no help at all.

Society in many western countries has changed a lot.
People have to take care of themselves and families are forced to become caregivers, whether they're able or not.

I could hardly move around when I came from hospital, but it was expected I could step in the shoes of those professionals without any education or information. Waiting were those boys, a daughter with muscle disease, another son with ADHD and autism, and a husband with dementia.

The idea grew of a caregiver's house.
A large house in town which is for the support of caregivers.
It contains a library about caregiving.
A small restaurant so people can relax with a cuppa or walk in to get a simple dinner with the family.
It has rooms for consultations with doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers and for group work.
Annd  large room for meetings, and lessons.
It has a few apartments for families with 24/7 therapeutic assistance, so families can stay together and can be assisted during mayor changes in life or when they can't stay at home.
Etc.

The building could be funded by crowdfunding, the running with assistance of gifts, donations and subsidies by the health insurance companies.

I've submitted the idea to a contest to improve our town.
The idea was welcomed, but I didn't win, because I had no financial back up.

Maybe... in the future....

38. Singing jazz



It was such a privilege to live in the same city as one of the most famous singers of the world, a civil rights activist, a woman with so many thoughts and feelings that she could understand the young woman I was.

When I told my gram I'd discovered Nina Simone lived in our city, she smiled and told me to go and talk to her. 'Maybe she's lonely as the only black woman here.', she said. 'You're one of the few here who speaks her language fluently, and people always appreciate to be able to speak in their own language when they are abroad.'
I didn't understand what a white, very white student could do to end the loneliness of such an famous person, but maybe she wanted to drink a cup of coffee with me and talk a bit.

That evening I saw her at a concert, hidden in the shadow, listening to the band.
I didn't think, but just went to her and asked her if she liked to drink a cuppa with me the next day. To my surprise she said 'yes'.
It was the beginning of a short friendship.

She taught me a lot. About the human psyche, about racial differences, and about music.

My voice was light and clear at the time. I tried to sing some jazz, but it sounded strange with such an innocent voice. We had a good laugh about it. She liked my timing, the improvisations, and she said I should be older before I could really sing it properly.
So I've always said: 'When I'm 50, I'll sing jazz.'

I did, in the silence of my home, as a tribute to Nina.
But I would love to have some good lessons.

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37. B&B with an amazing garden

I so crave for a vacation that I nibble days and distances from my wishes.
No 10 days in Nepal, or in New Zealand in a posh hotel, but a few nights in a B&B, not too far from home to save travelcosts.
Just to get some relaxation, a different environment, and a few hours of undisturbed writing.

I pushed the idea away. Why bother and spend so much money.

Until I saw a B&B that completely blew me away.

The rooms are very nice, and I think the stay will be great.
But with the B&B comes a huge fantasy garden. It's so very beautiful, one wants to live there all year. The care with which it's kept is motivated by pure love for gardening.

Wouldn't it be nice to spend some time there?

Click here to see the garden.







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36. Learn to play the Bodhran



The bodhran is an Irish frame drum. The size varies from smaller than a normal drum to larger, that is 25 cm to 65 cm in diameter.
The side or rim is small, and at one side a goatskin is fixed in such a way that the drum can be tuned.
The other side is open. Some have a rope grip, like on the photo, others have a wooden cross or nothing at all.

It is played with a tipper/cipin, but those who don't know how to use a tipper, use a soft headed drum stick. The use of the cipin requires quite some practice as the movement is very tiring, and as the bodhran is used as a rhythm instrument one needs to keep a regular rhythm.

Buying a bodhran should be done with experience and knowledge, otherwise one ends up with a decoration item, instead of a good instrument that can be used in different ways.

A friend of mine played in an Irish band and she had a bodhran. I had the opportunity to practice a bit and I enjoyed it very much.
Especially I could sing while playing, and it was possible to play with different cipins, resulting in different sounds, and playing with bare hands.

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35. I want a job at the dance academy



The past years it's regularly been a topic of discussion: teaching at the ballet academy.

So many lines of my life converge there, over so many years, and I've come up with so many ideas for improvement and changes...

In the past I've had the opportunity to realize some of them, working together with the boss of the academy. And it was fun to see they were still used when I entered the building with one of my other children.

During the years I've learned a lot, done a lot, and I think I'm ready to work there.

There are a few aspects missing in dance education.
They have to do with inspiration, understanding the public and ethics.

I also think there needs to be some new blood in the hall.
Too much routine is not good in such a creative environment. And there are so many teachers that are very experienced and good, but who can offer the students more. I'm sure that with the right discussions and ideas they will even be better.

Other subjects that have grown on me the past years have been dance as a way of cardiac revalidation, and dance for the elderly.
I started dance for the older age group in my country (I was the first in my country to teach them.), and it will be interesting to research the subject with dance academy students, meaning that research won't be a small subject on the side table, but a main subject at the academy.
With my experience in teaching research at the university, my knowledge of dance and my personal experience with an aging body, It would be a beautiful end of my working and dancing life.

It's such a pity that many only look at age, not at enthusiasm and motivational qualities.
I know I'll fit in, both with the team and the students.

So yes... this is something for my bucketlist.
This is something that is a part of me... a precious part, that I want to share, and I hope someone will take this serious enough to make it work, to give me this job.

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34. Watch seals near Texel



Spotting seals on or near Texel can be as easy as you wish.

On Texel they care for seals in a seal hospital.
For children it's a very interesting place, as they can see how the seals are cared for, and they can even watch feeding them.

And when you're lucky you'll see them when you're on the ferry to Texel. I haven't been that lucky.

You can also go to those beaches where they visit regularly or from where you can see them on a sandbank with your binoculars. Mind the time: two hours before low tide until an hour after.

But I want to go on a special seal boat trip.
The captain knows what he does, and certainly won't come too near mothers with their young.
When a boat comes too close the mother will get afraid and will save herself. She won't care for her young and when it isn't able to follow here she won't go back. The baby will be lost without her, and will die when none of the seal hospital finds it.

There are lots of seals around Texel and Terschelling. There's lots of food, and the tide frees the sandbanks, offering them large areas for sunbathing.
Two kinds can be seen. The regular one, which is the smallest. Mature men can be up to two meters long. They can be distinguished from the other ones by their V-shaped nostrils.
The other kind is the grey seal. They have straight noses with separated nostrils. The mature men can grow up to three meters long.

Texel is a wonderful island to stay a while. During the summer all is done to give the tourists a wonderful stay.
I don't mind whenever we go there. I don't care for sunbathing, I want to walk on the beach and have a good time. Even when a storm is raging I feel fine.

So......

33. I want to learn sheepfarming



In the past I didn't like sheep. I considered them to be a stinking lot, but the little ones were cute.

Gradually my opinion changed, and I started to get interested in what's needed to farm them.

I don't expect to be able to keep sheep unless I can realize my dream to live somewhere in the UK and some money shower hits me.
But as life never stops to suprise me, I decided to put this on my bucketlist too.
I have far too many items on it I'll never able to afford anyway.

So let's value the dream, and enjoy dreaming!

I would love to go crofting and keep some sheep.

I know there's a lot to learn, as keeping sheep is not only taking the wool and selling it. It's keeping them healthy, help them lamb, protect them, and a lot, lot more.

I've seen a farm with sheep along the road to Germany.
We went there when they offered the public a peek at their farm, but I didn't get the opportunity to talk with the farmer.
I feel a bit shy going there and asking to learn there without being able to offer them money or something else. I think that students from the agricultural school should be first to get a place there.
And I wonder if I'm able to go there, as there are no bus stops in the area.

So I've got excuses enough at the moment, but, knowing myself, they'll disappear as soon as an opportunity of a small farm lingers nearer at the horizon.

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32. The Settle-Carlisle Railway



Even though I was (and am) a girl, Ron wanted to show one of the Welsh most remarkable features. He told me we would go to see a viaduct, and first wanted to hear from me if I knew the meaning of a viaduct. I was 11 and knew the meaning. He smiled.
I remember his smile and the way he looked to my dad, as if they had prepared a huge surprise.

Well, he didn't prepare it himself. Lots of hard working men did that before it opened in august 1875.
I was surprised indeed: 24 arches to cover the distance of a beautiful area in such a way that human design and nature merged to enhance each other.

When I stood there with those two veterans at my side I was silent. The first thing I said when we went away was: 'I'll be back', followed by: 'and then I want to be on top of it'.

When I learned that the Settle-Carlisle Railway enables to be on top it had my attention.
Maybe I can make my promise become a reality?

With sons who love railways, and certainly love steam engines...

This railway journeys is one of the best in the world. The scenery is so outstanding.
And my memories are so special.
Two friends from the war showing the country they loved so much, showing the best it has to offer.

Maybe I can give that heritage to my children....


In case you want to know more: click here.


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31. Go to Glastonbury



In the past I've enjoyed a lot of concerts and a few festivals.

A few times I've even worked at festivals, because I couldn't afford the entrance and wanted to be there.  The jobs were different: handing out leaflets, bringing VIP's to their dressing facilities, accompanying them to and from their performance and talk with them during meals to prevent people bothering them, singing in background choirs, and being the first to dance.

I'm in the lucky circumstances to live in a city where each year a lot of free open air concerts are held.

But I would love to go to England and visit the Glastonbury Festival.
I'm sure some of my friends would love to go there too.

You?

30. Shepherding



Working with a sheepdog seems to be such a privilege.
Even being present at a contest in the UK would make me feel very delighted.

Dog and shepherd are such a close team. It's fascinating to see the dog react to each and every whistle and thus bringing the sheep where the shepherd wants them to be.

To be a good team, it's best when one teaches the dog from the moment he's born, preferably with a well trained older dog.

I don't think I'll have enough time and money to do so.
But I've learned in life never to say never.
And even when it never happens, I've enjoyed what Country File showed.

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